The Beauty of Small and Still

I struggle with stillness.

Come to yoga with me and you'll see what I mean. I stink at stilling my mind and body for extended periods, but I'm getting better.

I have morning quiet time, but find it easier to read and pray through my prayer list than sit and meditate on a thought or scripture. Am I afraid of falling back to sleep? Maybe. Am I afraid of what God might tell me to do if I get quiet and listen? Probably.

I don't want to be small (unless we are talking about clothing size).

Small makes me think of being unappreciated and disrespected. I don't want to be made to feel less than or belittled. I mean, who does? I want to be recognized for my contributions. I want to be a big deal in my little corner of the world.

However, I believe that lately God is telling me to get still and find joy in being small.

"Be still and Know that I am God." I have seen it quoted so many times on shirts, mugs, journals and such that I sometimes forget it is scripture (Psalm 46:10). These words are meant to bring calm and peace in troubled times. The first part of the verse is so powerful that we often leave out the rest of the verse, "I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth."

God will be exalted.

So I can be still. I can rest my mind and breathe, knowing that He has got everything under control. I can have the courage to listen for what He wants me to do, knowing that I am His work in progress. He's not going to give me a job to do and then leave me. He'll see it through to the end. And I can realize that what He might have for me to do at a precise moment...is nothing. What a gift to be able to rest and be restored by the One who made us all.

God will be exalted.

So I can be small. I sat out on our deck recently. It was an unusually warm January day and the sun was starting to set. Birds flew overhead, squirrels ran across the branches of the towering trees in our backyard and the moon was just starting to become visible. As I lay there (trying to practice stillness), I couldn't help but feel small...and it was good. God created a great big world and I am just one little part of it. I don't have to do it all for God to be pleased with me. Years ago, I heard Lysa Terkeurst speak and she said something to the effect of, "God has neither equipped or assigned me to carry someone else's load." That has always stuck with me. I am uniquely designed by God to do my (small)  part, not anyone else's. He shows up in my ordinary days, leading me and guiding me do my part, for His glory. He will be "exalted in the earth".

So today, I will practice being still and small.

Continue...To Grow

Growing is a good thing, but as I get older I am learning how uncomfortable growing can be.

Growing can mean having to make hard decisions. When we are kids we can't wait to grow up. Then one day, we do just that and find ourselves on the brink of adulthood having to make our own decisions and face the consequences on our own. Not that our decisions have been wrong ones, just that different decisions have different outcomes. Should we go to the party or stay home and study for that test? Should we say, "yes" to this invitation or that one? Should I try for that big internship or stay somewhere closer to home? Growing can be scary. We may try and fail. We may try and succeed and have to make even harder decisions. Because...

Growing in knowledge means being accountable. I truly believe we are meant to be life-long learners. There is always something we can learn whether it be for our jobs, for our pleasure or for self-growth. But ever-growing knowledge means being responsible and using my knowledge for good. I have prayed and studied God's word fervently this past year and it has convicted me to make some of the hardest decisions of my life, including leaving a life I have known for over twenty years to face something new because I knew that I could not stay in my present condition with the knowledge I possessed.  The unknown is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. 

Growing means setting goals and learning to wait. I'll be honest. I was so excited to announce this goal of writing. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time and I was so proud to actually say it out loud. I wrote my first blog post and did a few things on social media and then fear and self-doubt set in.  I would try to write and be overcome with thoughts of looking like a fake or copy-cat. I would have an idea for a post and get one sentence and then...nothing. Just a bunch of ideas and words swirling around in my head and not a clue how to make them into a paragraph. Have I grown? Sure. I recognized that I had a dream to write and I set out to do it. But the reality is, I cannot make the ideas flow and I cannot construct my days in a way that will allow me hours to sit and make this dream a reality. And when I finally do write something there is no guarantee that anyone will want to read it.

Growing can mean learning to let go.  This is something that became very clear to me last week (so I guess it is a good thing I didn't finish this post last Sunday when I started it).  Do you remember being a kid and outgrowing a favorite shirt? Did you ever have to see your mom pass that article of clothing to someone else? It didn't fit and was doing you no good, but it sure was hard to see someone else get it. As an adult, this can look like your new position requiring you to pass along projects to someone else. Sure, you've met a goal, had a prayer answered with your new gig; but seeing someone else take over something you worked on can be hard. Never mind that you are happy in your new position and truly are glad to be rid of said projects. Growing can mean learning to be less judgmental, gracious and thankful.

I'm a 9 on the enneagram. A couple of weeks ago I saw a post on Instagram (from enneagramandcoffee)  that said, "This year what if you embrace the natural discomfort that comes with growth and learn to see it as a good thing?" I think I will give that a try.  I also just finished reading Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman. I really spoke to my soul that tends to want to be cluttered with busyness in order to avoid feeling the discomfort that comes with life. I am growing toward living with Christ in my ordinary days. Here are some of my favorite takeaways from Simply Tuesday:

• Learn to appreciate the ordinary. 
• Think about the difference in "in Christ" effort and "in (your name here)" effort. How do I know the difference
• "We were made to build, co-create, to bring glory to God with the work of hands, to move into the world as a unique reflection of Christ." 
• Slow is okay. 
• My "8-foot assignment" doesn't define me.
• Competition is the enemy of connection. 
• Build benches of connection. 

I'm still not comfortable with it, but I am growing day by day. 

Continue...To Find Balance

It's 9 a.m. on December 30, 2019 and all I want to do is:

• watch a movie and drink coffee
• read my Bible
• work a puzzle
• knit a scarf
• do yoga
• make memories with my kids
• paint 
• bake something
• write something
• read the book I got for Christmas
• scan social media (kind of, but not really)
• go back to bed (yesterday was a full day with a late bedtime and I still woke up at 7:00)
• clean out the kitchen cabinets (time to get rid of the complete set of plastic restaurant cups)

I want to do it all...and I want to do it now! 

I don't know about you, but I feel a sense of urgency in the week after Christmas. The magic of the holiday has ended and I am keenly aware of the looming to-do lists and fast-paced days.  I am afraid if I don't do all the things I want to do in the next few days it will be next Christmas before I have time to do them.  I am looking forward to the new year, the new decade with excitement and faith that this is going to be the best year yet, but I also want to hold on to the slowness, coziness and contentment of the holidays.  Can you relate? 

How do I find a balance? And how do I keep that balance on January 6 when my husband and I return to work and our 16 year old returns to finish out his sophomore year (as college sister lives it up in an empty house as she enjoys one more week of break). 

 My journey in 2019 has taught me that the answer lies in setting goals and creating healthy habits. It's not always easy, it takes perseverance and sometimes it means getting out of my comfort zone. As we journey into 2020 I plan to continue what I started in 2019, and I believe that with a few tweaks I can live daily life with the same peacefulness as I feel on lazy winter break days and so can you! 

Start each day with quietness and gratitude...

My quiet morning time is my favorite time of day. I actually get up at 5 a.m. on school days so that I have an hour to myself before the rest of the family is up (I know it sounds crazy, but quiet time just doesn't work for me at any other time of day). I have my cup of coffee, my Bible, my journal and whatever book I am reading at the time. Spending time in God's word is best way for me to start my day. I don't always read a long passage; sometimes it is just a "Verse of the Day" to copy down and meditate on.  I then move whatever non-fiction book I am reading. I really love a good self-help book! As a life-long learner, I enjoy working on different aspects of my life so that I can be the best version of myself.  I end my quiet time in prayer. This is one way for me to be thankful and set my intentions for the day.  One thing I hope to do better with in the new year is setting and reviewing my goals. I did this occasionally in 2019, but doing it daily never clicked. I think I will start setting weekly goals -long and short term. Maybe on Sunday morning before church, this way I can review them on Saturday when I have a little more time to hurry up and get one or two accomplished if need be! 

Carry the coziness and gratefulness to work...

Honestly, this is where I slip up the most. I have this wonderful haven set up at home where I am surrounded by the people and the things I love. It's easy to be content and love my life here. But my entire life does not (and should not) take place in my house! Like most of you, I have a job that I have to do in order to maintain that cozy set up I have at home. Oh, and there's the fact that I really do enjoy my job! It is part of God's plan for my life, I have no doubt. It is one way he uses me to bless others. The problem lies in the fact that anywhere there are people, conflict is going to arise; disrupting my peaceful vibe. Problems are shared, disagreements occur, bad decisions are made causing disappointment, dreams and ideas are not fully realized or brought to fruition. Any one of these things can kill a good mood. We are not promised an easy life, but we can still live a contented, grateful one. My goal for this area of life as I continue my journey in 2020 is to truly share the things that make a difference for me. Share how God's love allows me to be grateful, even when days are long and nothing seems to be going right. So many times people comment on my kindness and I dismiss it. I want to start giving credit where credit is due. That kindness, that calmness...that is God! There is no way I could keep my cool if it weren't for Him. I want to share the healing power of yoga, breathing and meditation, actually practicing it during those stressful moments and guiding others to do the same rather than to panic and over-react. And I want to grow. I want to focus on how disappointments and things not going my way can still be reason to praise. Maybe not being put in charge of that new thing is just a way to save me from stress I don't need. Maybe conflict is a way for me to practice problem-solving skills and show myself (and others watching me) that I am stronger than I thought. 

Making the most of my time...

Tell me this? How do we live in a world of social media and not let it take over our lives? I really want to know? Seriously, I NEED to know. I struggle with this so much. I know there is good out there on the World Wide Web (is that even how we are supposed to say it anymore?), but there is also so much that sucks away our precious time. Until someone shares the magic formula with me here is what I plan to do in 2020: prioritize my electronic usage. No Facebook or Instagram (my only two social media sites) in the morning until I have done my Bible study, read a book and prayed. If I run out of time before I have checked them?  Oh well, the world most likely will not come to an end! The worse that will happen is that I will spend the day with someone and not be aware that it is their birthday. Once at work, idle usage is usually not a big problem because I have very little down time, personal usage is discouraged and I try to not use data on my phone. If I do have time to read for pleasure I plan to only take time to look at one or two of my favorite blogs. This is much more beneficial than scrolling through photos or posts of people I barely know. Once home is when the challenge begins: I have a real problem with snacking and scrolling. A.REAL. PROBLEM.  

Enter goal number 1: Limit social media site time to 30 minutes a day or less. This means paying attention to the fact that Insta tells me when I have caught up. This means shutting down Facebook when I see something that makes me compare my life to someone else's. My screen time is much better spent reading things that will build me up and writing things that are meant to build others up. 

Goal number 2: Know when to unplug. I profess to be a lover of hygge. If you don't know it, please look it up (or let me loan you a book on it). However, my actions do not always match my words. The hygge life is all about making memories and being present, for me this has to mean getting rid of the distractions. Turning off the tv and making a meal for my family, reading a book, knitting, visiting with a friend (in person), leaving my phone upstairs when we retreat to the basement for family time because there is no reason to look at Facebook during commercials (see, I told you I have a problem!). 

End each day with gratitude...

One thing that I started this fall that I love was to journal three things I was grateful for each night. This is all thanks to a Secret Pal at work. She gifted me a simple journal that is full of pages with quotes about thankfulness and lines for recording what you are grateful for.  I really try to be specific with my three things. Yes, there are days that I am most thankful for coffee, health and a comfy bed. But I want to remember and be thankful for family game night interrupted so that we could all make an enchilada dinner together and how excited Wil was when he had Texas de Brazil for the first time and how it made Avery want to be vegan for life! 

It's now 12:40 on December 30, 2019 and I feel much better. A little more settled and ready to see what the rest of the day holds. What have I done? Since I had already done by Bible study and had my coffee before beginning this, I did a little yoga to center myself and set my intentions. Even though I was nervous, I just jumped in and started this post. Even now, I am tempted to hit publish and not let anyone know I have written it. This goal of mine to write is a scary one. I don't have a ton of experience or training beyond being a Jr. High English teacher for several years, but if I don't try I won't know what is possible. I hope you like what you read. If it builds up one person it was worth it. Now I will probably let this be for a bit while I go make lunch and will give it one more look later before publishing. 

Best wishes to you and yours in 2020. God will do incredible things if we just trust Him and step out in faith. 

Reflections

As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart. Proverbs 27:19

Whew! What a journey 2019 has been! Challenges, blessings, pain (literally), healing, bravery, forgiveness, presence, change, letting go and finding what I didn't know I needed...

I would like to end this part of my journey by reflecting on what I have learned from my little book-share project:

Be Brave:  You have to be brave if you are going to do what God has for you to do. I could have easily started reading books and putting a book review on Facebook or offering the books to friends and family when I was done. That would have been nice, but it would not have been following what God had planned for me to do.  I believe God wanted me to use my voice this year. He wanted me to speak up and share my journey to bless others. That would not have been possible without the Facebook Live posts.  Oh, how I cringed when I heard my own voice! But, you responded. You were so kind and you were interested in reading some of the books I chose.

Set Goals: If I read about the importance of setting goals once, I must have read it 4 or 5 times this year. We need to set goals. Short-term goals and long-term goals. Goals keep us from becoming complacent. Remember though, goals do not have expiration dates! Here are some of my goals from this year and where I am in meeting them:

1. Write a book (hasn't happened yet, but I am committed to blogging more in 2020 while I search for the right subject. 

2.  Practice yoga. I am doing it at least once a week at the gym and several times a week at home. I am yet to master crow pose, but I will get there!

3.  Paint - I have done it! I was able to finish four small Christmas themed paintings to hang in our home this season. I hope to paint something to hang in the living room this year.

4.  Be more present - I am still working on this one (why is it so hard?).  I leave the phone on a table when doing things with the family much more these days. I realize that not everything has to be captured by a photo. I take a mental picture instead. 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words: I love words. I love reading. I love writing. Words are powerful. What I have found in my studies this year is that the words written on each page are useless unless I put them into practice. Each book had a lesson for me and now, as we near 2020, I have a to continue the work God has started in me: I have to put them into practice:

Just Open The Door, by Jen Schmidt - Practice hospitality. It is more than just inviting people over. I love to bake, so I plan to share my creations with friends and neighbors. 

Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis - Set goals and go after them.  I can't just sit around waiting for things to go my way.

Love Does, by Bob Goff - How can you not want to jump into action after reading this book! Don't just tell people you love them, show them!

100 Days to Brave, by Annie F. Downs - Hands down, one of the best devotionals. Just showed me so many practical ways to be brave, follow God's purpose for my life and reach my goals.

The Road Back to You,  by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile - By understanding myself and others through the enneagram, I will be a better counselor, wife, mother and friend.

Unshakeable Hope, by Max Lucado - When tough times arise (because, they will) I can stand on one of the many promises of God to provide. 

The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg - I will continue to change the habits that no longer serve me or my purpose.

Fierce Integrity, by Maren Hasse - I will tell myself and others the truth so that I will have integrity in thought, word and action.

The Little Book of Hygge, by Meik Wiking - This one is the easiest. Continue to surround myself with the people and things that make me happy and share that feeling with others.

To Be CONTINUED...

Journals

So, I have to admit I can be a bit scattered at times. I have greams and goals that I really want to accomplish, but life just gets in the way sometimes. Do you ever feel that way?

One of my goals in life is to write a book. I can't focus in on what kind yet, but I decided to start my writing by keeping this blog to go along with my book project this year. If you take a look at the dates on my posts, you can see I am anything but consistent with posting! I am doing my best, though...reading, living life with my loves, and I AM writing...in journals!

I have always loved a good journal, writing in them and reading them. I like the idea of a journal more than a diary, because of their function. Journals seem to be a place to chronicle one's life. Back in undergrad I can remember doing a paper on women during the Civil War (I think). I checked out books thst contained letters written notes of daily life kept by various women. How interesting to see what life was really like back then!

When my children were born, I decided to keep a journal for each of them.  I wrote most nights, telling them about the day, sharing memories, making lists of what they receivef for Christmas or birthdays, sharing lessons that I wanted them to learn about the hard times we went through. I plan to give them these journals when they are grown (which I guess is soon for my daughter!).

These days, I keep journals filled with notes on the Books I am reading. Bible studies and sermon notes. Today I started a practice where I am writing for 5 minutes first thing in the morning using "stream of consciousness" writing. I don't exactly know whefe I am headed with it, but I am sure it will be enlightening at some point!

Grab yourself a journal (or if you are so inclined, start a Google doc)today! You don't have to write in it every single day, but you can. Write your goals, your prayers, a reflection of your day or something cute that you kids did. Record a memory.

Live By Example: Honoring My Father and Mother

This post is nearly a month past due.  Life gets in the way, folks. I am still learning how to prioritize my time. I'll get there.

Sunday, August 25, 2019 ended up being a rainy day, but that did not deter the crowd that gathered in the fellowship hall of my parents church. Months and months of planning and worrying if it would all go off without a hitch were now over and I watched in awe as family and friends from my small hometown wandered in to shower love upon the honored couple.  Hugs and laughter all around, small pockets of people sat the the tables scattered around the room visiting for the full hour and a half that we had reserved to celebrate Mom and Dad just 3 days after their 50th wedding anniversary. So much love in that room. Lifetimes of friendship and memories. Pure joy on faces as people caught up since the last time they saw each other...For some it had been years; for some it had been since church got out at 11:00 a.m. but the sentiment was the same.

My parents aren't perfect. In all honesty, I say this only because I understand that no one is; as I tend to be one of those people who focuses on the best in those I love, not the worst. My parents have lived the last 50 years blessing others. I've only been around to witness 46 of those years, but I take it on faith that they were doing it the 4 years before I arrived.  Each of them built their life's work around helping people. Dad is a retired educator and Mom was a school secretary, except for the period of time when she babysat in our home.  They teach Sunday school, pick up anyone who needs a ride to church, they rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. You get sick, have surgery or a death in the family, my mom will have a big pot of spaghetti to you lickety split! You need help with repairs around your house, my Dad will be there. Many times growing up I watched as they paid for someone's groceries or gave to a fund to help someone who had fallen on hard times. Sacrifice...that's the word I am looking for. They sacrificed (and continue to do so) their time and money and for others. Why? I know the answer even though I don't think I have ever asked them...that is what God would have them to do.  Use what God has blessed you with to bless others (talent, money, time - all of it).

 And here is what I have noticed, that blessing comes back around. My parents have not had a trouble free life. None of us are promised that. But they have continued to be blessed. When they helped others, our family never went without what we needed. They gave (and continue to give) of their time but are now enjoying their retirement years having weekly coffee and breakfast at McDonald's, traveling when they choose and watching whatever they want on t.v. when they decide to sit at home. And when they celebrated 50 years, people showed up and rejoiced with them.  Precious friends helped us plan the celebration. They poured over a photo album reminiscing over the good times they'd shared. They told my brother and I how much they love our parents and how much they mean to them. 

"Be the hands and feet of Jesus" is not a phrase I heard in my childhood like I do today, but I realize now it was an example that was set for me every single day. I pray that my husband and I are following in their footsteps, even if it is just a little bit.  Thanks, Mom and Dad.

The Helper

I am "the helper." This word has been on my heart for about 8 months.  When it first came to mind, I had no idea I will begin studying the Enneagram and find out that my type was literally known as "the helper," or that I would be reading 100 Days to Brave, by Annie F. Downs and exploring my calling; but when I think of what I do and what I want to do, I have trouble finding a more accurate word to describe myself. So now that I am committed to this role (calling as some may see it) how do I live it out?

I play a ton of roles on a daily basis: wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, counselor, educator, Christian (actually, place that word in front of each of the rest!)...each provides me an opportunity to be a helper and I love that! I love that I am a helper to my husband as he leads our family and provides for us. I love that I help my children navigate young adulthood. I get to go to work and help and encourage students as they journey through their lives and plan for their future.  I get to help my parents who set the example of being helpers for my brother and I. I get to help where help is needed. Is this always an easy task? NOPE! Is it a role that gets me tons of praise? Absolutely not, and I am working on being okay with that. When I choose to be a helper, I am not doing it for the praise or because it is the easiest thing for me to do. I am doing it because I truly believe it is what God has called me to do where I am, with what I have.

Here's the coolest thing about being a helper: I have a HELPER with me daily. God has sent His Spirit to be with me, to guide me and help me help others.  When I became a counselor, I thought that it was comforting to remember that Jesus was all about helping people. The old hymn Wonderful, Wonderful Jesus is To Me  even names Him a counselor:

Wonderful, wonderful 

Jesus is to me

Counselor, Prince of Peace

Mighty God is He

Saving me, keeping me

From my sin and shame

Wonderful is My Redeemer 

Praise His Name!*

Now full disclosure, I looked up the words this morning to make sure I got them just right and found I have been singing this song around the house and getting it a little bit wrong! I was actually singing "Helping Me, Keeping Me" instead of "Saving Me"! I will pray forgiveness, but I really think helping me fits too (although the saving part is more important). 

So today, on the first day of the 2nd week of school, I prepare my heart and mind (and body with a big ole' cup of coffee) to go out and be a helper. It is not the most glamorous of jobs, but it is an important one that I take on gladly and thankfully. 

Before I go...Check out this cool coffee cup that I got from a site call "Enneagram and Coffee"! Thanks to my sweet daughter for telling me about them! It sits on my desk at work as a reminder of my calling.

*Lyrics found at https://gospelchoruses.wordpress.com