I struggle with stillness.
Come to yoga with me and you'll see what I mean. I stink at stilling my mind and body for extended periods, but I'm getting better.
I have morning quiet time, but find it easier to read and pray through my prayer list than sit and meditate on a thought or scripture. Am I afraid of falling back to sleep? Maybe. Am I afraid of what God might tell me to do if I get quiet and listen? Probably.
I don't want to be small (unless we are talking about clothing size).
Small makes me think of being unappreciated and disrespected. I don't want to be made to feel less than or belittled. I mean, who does? I want to be recognized for my contributions. I want to be a big deal in my little corner of the world.
However, I believe that lately God is telling me to get still and find joy in being small.
"Be still and Know that I am God." I have seen it quoted so many times on shirts, mugs, journals and such that I sometimes forget it is scripture (Psalm 46:10). These words are meant to bring calm and peace in troubled times. The first part of the verse is so powerful that we often leave out the rest of the verse, "I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth."
God will be exalted.
So I can be still. I can rest my mind and breathe, knowing that He has got everything under control. I can have the courage to listen for what He wants me to do, knowing that I am His work in progress. He's not going to give me a job to do and then leave me. He'll see it through to the end. And I can realize that what He might have for me to do at a precise moment...is nothing. What a gift to be able to rest and be restored by the One who made us all.
God will be exalted.
So I can be small. I sat out on our deck recently. It was an unusually warm January day and the sun was starting to set. Birds flew overhead, squirrels ran across the branches of the towering trees in our backyard and the moon was just starting to become visible. As I lay there (trying to practice stillness), I couldn't help but feel small...and it was good. God created a great big world and I am just one little part of it. I don't have to do it all for God to be pleased with me. Years ago, I heard Lysa Terkeurst speak and she said something to the effect of, "God has neither equipped or assigned me to carry someone else's load." That has always stuck with me. I am uniquely designed by God to do my (small) part, not anyone else's. He shows up in my ordinary days, leading me and guiding me do my part, for His glory. He will be "exalted in the earth".
So today, I will practice being still and small.
Monday, February 17, 2020
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Continue...To Grow
Growing is a good thing, but as I get older I am learning how uncomfortable growing can be.
Growing can mean having to make hard decisions. When we are kids we can't wait to grow up. Then one day, we do just that and find ourselves on the brink of adulthood having to make our own decisions and face the consequences on our own. Not that our decisions have been wrong ones, just that different decisions have different outcomes. Should we go to the party or stay home and study for that test? Should we say, "yes" to this invitation or that one? Should I try for that big internship or stay somewhere closer to home? Growing can be scary. We may try and fail. We may try and succeed and have to make even harder decisions. Because...
Growing in knowledge means being accountable. I truly believe we are meant to be life-long learners. There is always something we can learn whether it be for our jobs, for our pleasure or for self-growth. But ever-growing knowledge means being responsible and using my knowledge for good. I have prayed and studied God's word fervently this past year and it has convicted me to make some of the hardest decisions of my life, including leaving a life I have known for over twenty years to face something new because I knew that I could not stay in my present condition with the knowledge I possessed. The unknown is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
Growing means setting goals and learning to wait. I'll be honest. I was so excited to announce this goal of writing. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time and I was so proud to actually say it out loud. I wrote my first blog post and did a few things on social media and then fear and self-doubt set in. I would try to write and be overcome with thoughts of looking like a fake or copy-cat. I would have an idea for a post and get one sentence and then...nothing. Just a bunch of ideas and words swirling around in my head and not a clue how to make them into a paragraph. Have I grown? Sure. I recognized that I had a dream to write and I set out to do it. But the reality is, I cannot make the ideas flow and I cannot construct my days in a way that will allow me hours to sit and make this dream a reality. And when I finally do write something there is no guarantee that anyone will want to read it.
Growing can mean learning to let go. This is something that became very clear to me last week (so I guess it is a good thing I didn't finish this post last Sunday when I started it). Do you remember being a kid and outgrowing a favorite shirt? Did you ever have to see your mom pass that article of clothing to someone else? It didn't fit and was doing you no good, but it sure was hard to see someone else get it. As an adult, this can look like your new position requiring you to pass along projects to someone else. Sure, you've met a goal, had a prayer answered with your new gig; but seeing someone else take over something you worked on can be hard. Never mind that you are happy in your new position and truly are glad to be rid of said projects. Growing can mean learning to be less judgmental, gracious and thankful.
I'm a 9 on the enneagram. A couple of weeks ago I saw a post on Instagram (from enneagramandcoffee) that said, "This year what if you embrace the natural discomfort that comes with growth and learn to see it as a good thing?" I think I will give that a try. I also just finished reading Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman. I really spoke to my soul that tends to want to be cluttered with busyness in order to avoid feeling the discomfort that comes with life. I am growing toward living with Christ in my ordinary days. Here are some of my favorite takeaways from Simply Tuesday:
Growing can mean having to make hard decisions. When we are kids we can't wait to grow up. Then one day, we do just that and find ourselves on the brink of adulthood having to make our own decisions and face the consequences on our own. Not that our decisions have been wrong ones, just that different decisions have different outcomes. Should we go to the party or stay home and study for that test? Should we say, "yes" to this invitation or that one? Should I try for that big internship or stay somewhere closer to home? Growing can be scary. We may try and fail. We may try and succeed and have to make even harder decisions. Because...
Growing in knowledge means being accountable. I truly believe we are meant to be life-long learners. There is always something we can learn whether it be for our jobs, for our pleasure or for self-growth. But ever-growing knowledge means being responsible and using my knowledge for good. I have prayed and studied God's word fervently this past year and it has convicted me to make some of the hardest decisions of my life, including leaving a life I have known for over twenty years to face something new because I knew that I could not stay in my present condition with the knowledge I possessed. The unknown is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
Growing means setting goals and learning to wait. I'll be honest. I was so excited to announce this goal of writing. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time and I was so proud to actually say it out loud. I wrote my first blog post and did a few things on social media and then fear and self-doubt set in. I would try to write and be overcome with thoughts of looking like a fake or copy-cat. I would have an idea for a post and get one sentence and then...nothing. Just a bunch of ideas and words swirling around in my head and not a clue how to make them into a paragraph. Have I grown? Sure. I recognized that I had a dream to write and I set out to do it. But the reality is, I cannot make the ideas flow and I cannot construct my days in a way that will allow me hours to sit and make this dream a reality. And when I finally do write something there is no guarantee that anyone will want to read it.
Growing can mean learning to let go. This is something that became very clear to me last week (so I guess it is a good thing I didn't finish this post last Sunday when I started it). Do you remember being a kid and outgrowing a favorite shirt? Did you ever have to see your mom pass that article of clothing to someone else? It didn't fit and was doing you no good, but it sure was hard to see someone else get it. As an adult, this can look like your new position requiring you to pass along projects to someone else. Sure, you've met a goal, had a prayer answered with your new gig; but seeing someone else take over something you worked on can be hard. Never mind that you are happy in your new position and truly are glad to be rid of said projects. Growing can mean learning to be less judgmental, gracious and thankful.
I'm a 9 on the enneagram. A couple of weeks ago I saw a post on Instagram (from enneagramandcoffee) that said, "This year what if you embrace the natural discomfort that comes with growth and learn to see it as a good thing?" I think I will give that a try. I also just finished reading Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman. I really spoke to my soul that tends to want to be cluttered with busyness in order to avoid feeling the discomfort that comes with life. I am growing toward living with Christ in my ordinary days. Here are some of my favorite takeaways from Simply Tuesday:
- Learn to appreciate the ordinary.
- Think about the difference in "in Christ" effort and "in (your name here)" effort. How do I know the difference
- "We were made to build, co-create, to bring glory to God with the work of hands, to move into the world as a unique reflection of Christ."
- Slow is okay.
- My "8-foot assignment" doesn't define me.
- Competition is the enemy of connection.
- Build benches of connection.
I'm still not comfortable with it, but I am growing day by day.
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